XANADU.

Starring: Olivia Newton-John, Michael Beck, and Gene Kelly

Written by: Richard Christian Danus & Marc Reid Rubel

Directed by: Robert Greenwald

Wow.
After watching this movie, I think I hate life. The essence of life. My very being, the fibers of my soul, are begging to be cut down with a swift vengeance. Swift. And quick. Vengeance.
Seriously, what the FUCK were these people thinking?

"Hey! I have an idea for a musical!"
"What is it?"
"A douche canoe on roller skates falls for a girl on roller skates who turns out to be a muse who then tries to convince Zeus that she should be mortal because she loves him too."
"I fucking hate you."
"No! Seriously, brah. It will star Olivia Newton John and Gene Kelley!"
"Rock on! We could totally do this movie, thus bringing a swift and violent end to Gene Kelley's phenomenal career! Hooray for career slaughter! Woo!"


The only reason I did not leave the room was because I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. By the shittiness of the movie. First of all, every time Olivia Newton John skated by on her roller skates (because I guess walking was too fucking hard in 1980), she was followed by a Tron-like band of color. Hey! I think that idea was already used......in TRON. I wish I could tell you most of the plot, but I'm pretty sure I blacked out for half of the movie to preserve brain functionality. If there was a Hollywood Walk of Shame, this movie would have 18 stars. All of them covered in shit. Tron-like green, blue and pink shit. Thanks, Olivia Newton John, for giving us another wonderful performance with eccentric and lovable characteristics and a......hold on, gonna go puke....

And for fucks sake, Gene Kelly. If someone came a pitched this movie to you, why the fuck would you agree? Why??? After that successful movie where you danced with Stewie, why would you demoralize yourself with this???? I mean, if a homeless guy was caught in the pouring rain with no clothes or shelter, and the only refuge was a movie theater that was playing this movie, or the sewer....fuck......I'd go in the sewer just to escape this movie.

The title song goes on for 38 minutes. i swear.

The budget for this movie was $20 MILLION dollars! How???? Did they pay people not to come? Fuck....But the film barely broke even.....and the record went double platinum! the RECORD was more popular than the movie! THAT'S how it broke even! RECORD SALES! It even got 7 Razzie nominations at the Razzie award. Congrats, fuckers. You hold a record for epic failure.....

There was a Broadway adaption in 2007. I would rather review that.....I didn't even review this movie.....I guess it got what it deserved. I want those 93 minutes back.....

I'll sum this up in one sentence:
What has Olivia Newton John done (Nothing) or Gene Kelly done (Died) since this movie?

My point exactly.