Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

I don’t care who you are, Seth MacFarlane is funny. He’s hilarious. He’s abra-ka-fuckin awesome. Here’s what I say about this new Family Guy adaptation of The Empire Strikes Back: The empire struck back all right. In my pants. With the Force. Both sides of it. And it was awesome. From the letters floating through space (once again taking another Family Guy rip on the Fox Network), to the DonDon (a TaunTaun with Don Knotts’ head), and to Stewie’s Darth Farts, every bit of this parody is hysterical. I think my favorite part is Carl playing the part of Yoda. Look it up. It’s funny. I don’t wanna take the time to reproduce scenes for you. I’m lazy. So sue me.
The animators have, once again, done a wonderful job. Everything looked very realistic. And by realistic, I mean it was a good reproduction of the early 1980’s movie that did an OK job of looking realistic. It was good to hear Cleveland again (voiced by Mike Henry). I had missed him every since he went over to that soon to be cancelled piece of crap that they assumed would be successful.
On another note, does MacFarlane hate Mila Kunis? I mean, I know the family hates Meg (a well known fact. YouTube it.), but for the love of God, she only got one line in this movie, and that was one line more than she had in the first movie. I feel kinda bad…like she needs someone to console her…hold her hand…tell her everything is gonna be ok…
Is it odd that my Mila Kunis fantasy takes place in space?
Anywho, this shit is funny. If you don’t think so, I am ALWAYS available to discuss criticism and opinions. Feel free to email me at suckmydick@fuckoffasshole.com. Merry Christmas and Happy Almost 2012, fuckers.

Zombieland

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Abigail Breslin, Emma Stone, and Woody Harrelson

Written by: Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese

Directed by: Rueben Fleischer

Zombieland. What a wonderful thing. I was recently able to view this wonderful film with the my good friend William Randolph Hurst. This film was amazing. The great story deals with a group of strangers living in a post zombie apocalyptic world. The characters are Columbus, a lovable nerd with reoccuring list of rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse, Tallahassee, a larger than life zombie hunter with a soft side for Twinkies and Bill Murray, and sisters Wichita and Little Rock, who trust no one but each other and do whatever they need to survive. The film follows them as they rob each other, kill zombies, break things, and eventually learn to trust each other.

The acting was brilliant. Woody Harrelson saying, "Nut up or shut up," about a hundred times is oscar worthy already. I mean for shit's sake if Tom Cruise can get a golden globe nomination for playing a fat ass baldy, then I think Woody ought to be a worthy candidate. Jesse Eisenberg is cementing himself fast as the new Michael Cera. Which is nice because I haven't yet reached the point where I want to cut my ears off with childproof scissors and gouge out my eyes with a rusty metal toothbrush every time I see him. Emma Stone is hot. The things I would do to her are not meant for Christian ears. So for all you heathen bastards, I would fuck the ever living shit out of her. I mean legit, I'd wreck that chick. Abigail Breslin was certainly funny, but completely overshadowed. The best actor in the entire film of course comes out of nowhere in probably the best cameo I've ever seen, from Bill Murray. In fact probably the best scene of the movie comes when Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson get baked and reenact Ghostbusters.

The writing was absolutely brilliant. The best part of the movie was that it didn't rely on the zombies for all it's jokes. It was actually a very clever and touching movie, that managed to blend in a sick sense of dark humor by using the zombies as a setting. There's also some great small quips that are very well done, such as Woody Harrelson and Abigail Breslin arguing over who's more famous, Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana. The best part of the film is that it's just great fun. It never lets you take anything to seriously. Even the dramatically heavy moments are still peppered with little comedic moments, which makes it a wonderfully dark comedy that has a surprising heart. As an audience, it's far more relevant then we think, as it constantly reminds us that in a world gone to complete shit the only way to stay sane is to follow rule #37: Enjoy the little things.

XANADU.

Starring: Olivia Newton-John, Michael Beck, and Gene Kelly

Written by: Richard Christian Danus & Marc Reid Rubel

Directed by: Robert Greenwald

Wow.
After watching this movie, I think I hate life. The essence of life. My very being, the fibers of my soul, are begging to be cut down with a swift vengeance. Swift. And quick. Vengeance.
Seriously, what the FUCK were these people thinking?

"Hey! I have an idea for a musical!"
"What is it?"
"A douche canoe on roller skates falls for a girl on roller skates who turns out to be a muse who then tries to convince Zeus that she should be mortal because she loves him too."
"I fucking hate you."
"No! Seriously, brah. It will star Olivia Newton John and Gene Kelley!"
"Rock on! We could totally do this movie, thus bringing a swift and violent end to Gene Kelley's phenomenal career! Hooray for career slaughter! Woo!"


The only reason I did not leave the room was because I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. By the shittiness of the movie. First of all, every time Olivia Newton John skated by on her roller skates (because I guess walking was too fucking hard in 1980), she was followed by a Tron-like band of color. Hey! I think that idea was already used......in TRON. I wish I could tell you most of the plot, but I'm pretty sure I blacked out for half of the movie to preserve brain functionality. If there was a Hollywood Walk of Shame, this movie would have 18 stars. All of them covered in shit. Tron-like green, blue and pink shit. Thanks, Olivia Newton John, for giving us another wonderful performance with eccentric and lovable characteristics and a......hold on, gonna go puke....

And for fucks sake, Gene Kelly. If someone came a pitched this movie to you, why the fuck would you agree? Why??? After that successful movie where you danced with Stewie, why would you demoralize yourself with this???? I mean, if a homeless guy was caught in the pouring rain with no clothes or shelter, and the only refuge was a movie theater that was playing this movie, or the sewer....fuck......I'd go in the sewer just to escape this movie.

The title song goes on for 38 minutes. i swear.

The budget for this movie was $20 MILLION dollars! How???? Did they pay people not to come? Fuck....But the film barely broke even.....and the record went double platinum! the RECORD was more popular than the movie! THAT'S how it broke even! RECORD SALES! It even got 7 Razzie nominations at the Razzie award. Congrats, fuckers. You hold a record for epic failure.....

There was a Broadway adaption in 2007. I would rather review that.....I didn't even review this movie.....I guess it got what it deserved. I want those 93 minutes back.....

I'll sum this up in one sentence:
What has Olivia Newton John done (Nothing) or Gene Kelly done (Died) since this movie?

My point exactly.

Interstella 5555

Reviewers: G Evans, Becka
Genre: Music Movie
Sit Down, Thrown on a vynal, and sample some Item 9, and then watch this one folks. I am giving it 5 Blazing Leaves up on this one. This animated instrumental masterpiece plays along with the tune of Daft Punks visionary album Discovery. Each track is a short episodic animation.

Becka’s Review of Number 7.
her shoes were cool.

The lead female chacacter is an interesting mix of damsel-in-distress and powerfully
brave female, Her admirer-lover male-lead character is the hero of the piece who saves
the band from the Mental and Artistic Slavery under the villian of the piece. Their love
for each other is the most interesting part of the movie. In most stories where any type
love is depicted, it is the focus of the story. In this movie though it is a extremely
powerful and emotional tragic sidenote of the piece.
It is also interesting because it is introduced in the beginning in then it is sprung quickly
back apon you 7 or 8 songs in.

text is bothersome to becka’s braiin

In this piece the, for lack of a better term, costumes on the characters are interesting to me. The color themes are quite specific at times, the white of the main female characters dress in the hero’s fantasys with her in them symbolize her innocence and a romantic marriage of the two souls.
The history section of the story tells of a prophecy to take over the universe through the talent of countless other musical geniuses of the alternative universe which is the backdrop for the entire story. The band depicted is the 555 musical geniiuss to be harnessed in the 5th section of the book. (5555 from the title) In the depiction of the journey we recognize aliens being turned in characters like Mozart, Mama Cass, Jimi Hendrix and a few others that I recognize by look but can’t name.

In case you were wondering this has been thus far written over 4 different days. The whole meaning behind the beautiful universe depicted as the 4 main characters home land is this theme of music can form a beautiful world and has such an important role in our everyday lives. The action of our earth in our current universe in banding together to get this musical gift back where it belongs is a nice image of our humanity. Interesting in how much our human nature values its sensory pleasures. The cult characters portrayed at the end of the movie are extremely tragic characters.

Becka just brought up a good point that the 11 song is quite different from the others. She thinks that it is a bit less fantastical than the others. think there is an interesting distinction between each song. Each song has a different message to portray. 12 is interesting because it is one of the only songs that has full verses of words. This is probably because everything is revealed to the characters in one song. It is a very informational/action packed episode.

12 also reveals the name of the band is AAPEGIUS. In a very quick split second that unless you are looking for it or have watched in 7 times like I have you would miss it.

Becka:
For me the first 10 videos have been airy and almost space feeling. This video for me is to grounded. And I think the lyrics are screwing me up. Im trying to find the meaning in the lyrics and not paying attention to the vid..

13 part 1

Gary: dark side of the moon Is interesting

The band is such an essential part of the world it is almost as if the characters are the life force of the planet that its people worship and embrace. We see in the end their lasting effect on their short visit to our planet representing how music is an influential force. The end is quite shocking and different. Unexpected but completely appropriate. Overall this movie is a seamless done musical study of the effect that music has in our entire universe and is something worth watching under the effect of Item 9 or just watching with friends or hell even a parent if you can get them through it. It is downloaded in its entirety to youtube.com but I would recommend watching it on DVD. Interstella 5555 is a musical journey that is compelling, rich, and meaniful story worth viewing.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Directed by: David Yates

Written by: Steven Kloves

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and every other actor that currently resides in England. Seriously.

If there was an Academy Award for best Harry Potter adaptation, David Yates would win it, hands down. It's not because he tried to stay as true to the book as possible, incorporating as much of the action and dialogue as he could, because that would be close to impossible. An exact adaptation of the 672 page novel would run approximately 5 hours, something that the short attention span of America could not tolerate. However, Yates and Steve Kloves, the screenwriter, wove a tale of brevity (as much as can be had with a Harry Potter movie) and beauty that made those two and a half hours fly (It helped that I missed all the previews. THAT shit pisses me off).
Visually, the movie was stunning. Hogwarts, as always, was masterfully presented as a mysterious and epic, ever-shifting and endless castle. This was accented by transitions into the Penseive (the bowl that Harry dunks his head into), that were thrilling to watch. The mood created by the cinematography was futher developed by a moving score that rose and fell with the action, subtly envoking tons of shit. Can't even describe it all right now. But take my word for it. It was epic.
Anyways, onto the acting. When did Ginny get hot? Holy shit....I'm glad she was in it a lot. And I'm not even going to discuss Emma Watson. You're thinking it, I'm thinking it, lets move on. Thank you.
I love how this review started out so seriously, and now look what I've done. As I started out saying, the concise nature of the movie was brilliant. The movie said nothing, yet everything at the same time. The story was furthered greatly, giving insight to Voldemort's past and the key to defeating him. But it took so fucking long to explain. But it didn't seem like that long. Yates just mind-fucked the hell out of me, and I loved every minute of it. And Ginny. And Hermoine. Not Ron. Go see it

- Reviewed by Greg Parker

Apocalypse Now

Starring: Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando, Dennis Hopper, and Laurence Fishburne

Written by: John Milius and Francis Ford Coppola. (based on the novel "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad)

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola

I'm scared.

Transformer's 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Starring: Shia Lebeouf, Meghan Fox, Josh Duhamel,

and Tyrese Gibson.

Writers: Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Ehren

Kruger.

Director: Michael “Mothafucka” Bay

I’m proud to announce the extremely fitting Transformers 2 as the inaugural entry on Guanga Cinematic.com. I recently went to see this film under the influence of an extremely potent cookie. Now I never liked Transformers. My freshman roommate and I actually got into a massive fight because I refused to watch anymore after Shia Lebeouf stated, “In fifty years when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to say that you had the guts to get in the car.” Blah! That was me puking on myself in case you were wondering. However after watching the new one last night, I finally get it. I left stating to myself, that movie was horrible. It lacked any kind of human characters, contained stilted dialogue, and was one of the most punishing movies I had ever watched, yet I loved every second of it. (Quick question before I begin though. Where the hell was Anthony Anderson? I mean Scorcese gets it. It’s not a movie until you get Anthony Anderson.)

Michael Bay’s makes the ridiculous mistake of never knowing when to say stop. Everything about this movie was 10X bigger than it should’ve been. The action was 10X too much. The colors were 10X too bright, and the sound was 10X times too loud. The small house attack that happens ten minutes into the movie results in half the Witwicky’s house being blown up. Optimus Prime was 10X too badass. Meghan Fox was 10X too hot. Both which I was actually totally ok with. The comic bits were taken 10X too far. I mean Shia Lebeouf’s mom eats a goddamned pot brownie on move in day. The CGI was 10X too good. The robot fights were tough too watch because they had nothing to focus on. Colors moved so fast I struggled to understand what was happening. That also might have just been a result of the cookie. I mean I actually zoned out for like five minutes. Does anybody else know how Megatron and Optimus’ fight ended up in the woods, cause I don’t. But I digress.

Acting was top-notch terrible. Of course who can do a good job when Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Ehren Kruger are writing incredibly stilted and stereotypical dialogue for you. And Michael Bay’s asking you to deliver the lines to a fucking giant imaginary robot warrior, all while the buildings are exploding around you? Who indeed. Well the answer to that question in Shia Lebeouf. That’s right, the movie is so terrible and flawed that Shia Lebeouf is the goddamned standout. Maybe I was just really high, but for once in my life I actually found Shia Lebeouf’s nonstop ranting kind of funny and welcoming. All the other actor’s do a reasonable job. Even the actor portraying Galloway, Michael Bay’s thinly veiled attack at liberals, is bearable.

The editing greatly helps the actor’s job, cramming drama and emotion down our throat. Sam’s fight with his father at the climax of the movie was so emotional, thanks to the music and pace of the scene. Forced as it may have been I was moved. But then again I suppose maybe that was Michael’s Bay’s concept. “Let’s rape the fuckers!” Well let’s just say, the movie reminded me of extremely hard sex. It was dirty, painful, exhausting, and I hated myself for loving the racist robots that were voiced by the same guy as Spongebob Squarepants. But I loved every second of it, and I would do it again any day of the week. And if you’re still not convinced, they drop a 2 ton silhouetted alien robot carcass out of a moving Cargo Plane 100 feet in the air with the most American music I’ve ever heard playing in the background.