Starring: Shia Lebeouf, Meghan Fox, Josh Duhamel,
and Tyrese Gibson.
Writers: Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Ehren
Kruger.
Director: Michael “Mothafucka” Bay
I’m proud to announce the extremely fitting Transformers 2 as the inaugural entry on Guanga Cinematic.com. I recently went to see this film under the influence of an extremely potent cookie. Now I never liked Transformers. My freshman roommate and I actually got into a massive fight because I refused to watch anymore after Shia Lebeouf stated, “In fifty years when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to say that you had the guts to get in the car.” Blah! That was me puking on myself in case you were wondering. However after watching the new one last night, I finally get it. I left stating to myself, that movie was horrible. It lacked any kind of human characters, contained stilted dialogue, and was one of the most punishing movies I had ever watched, yet I loved every second of it. (Quick question before I begin though. Where the hell was Anthony Anderson? I mean Scorcese gets it. It’s not a movie until you get Anthony Anderson.)
Michael Bay’s makes the ridiculous mistake of never knowing when to say stop. Everything about this movie was 10X bigger than it should’ve been. The action was 10X too much. The colors were 10X too bright, and the sound was 10X times too loud. The small house attack that happens ten minutes into the movie results in half the Witwicky’s house being blown up. Optimus Prime was 10X too badass. Meghan Fox was 10X too hot. Both which I was actually totally ok with. The comic bits were taken 10X too far. I mean Shia Lebeouf’s mom eats a goddamned pot brownie on move in day. The CGI was 10X too good. The robot fights were tough too watch because they had nothing to focus on. Colors moved so fast I struggled to understand what was happening. That also might have just been a result of the cookie. I mean I actually zoned out for like five minutes. Does anybody else know how Megatron and Optimus’ fight ended up in the woods, cause I don’t. But I digress.
Acting was top-notch terrible. Of course who can do a good job when Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Ehren Kruger are writing incredibly stilted and stereotypical dialogue for you. And Michael Bay’s asking you to deliver the lines to a fucking giant imaginary robot warrior, all while the buildings are exploding around you? Who indeed. Well the answer to that question in Shia Lebeouf. That’s right, the movie is so terrible and flawed that Shia Lebeouf is the goddamned standout. Maybe I was just really high, but for once in my life I actually found Shia Lebeouf’s nonstop ranting kind of funny and welcoming. All the other actor’s do a reasonable job. Even the actor portraying Galloway, Michael Bay’s thinly veiled attack at liberals, is bearable.
The editing greatly helps the actor’s job, cramming drama and emotion down our throat. Sam’s fight with his father at the climax of the movie was so emotional, thanks to the music and pace of the scene. Forced as it may have been I was moved. But then again I suppose maybe that was Michael’s Bay’s concept. “Let’s rape the fuckers!” Well let’s just say, the movie reminded me of extremely hard sex. It was dirty, painful, exhausting, and I hated myself for loving the racist robots that were voiced by the same guy as Spongebob Squarepants. But I loved every second of it, and I would do it again any day of the week. And if you’re still not convinced, they drop a 2 ton silhouetted alien robot carcass out of a moving Cargo Plane 100 feet in the air with the most American music I’ve ever heard playing in the background.
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